Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Snakes On A Plane

I know this is a bit off topic, but I need to get this out of my system somehow...

Samuel L. Jackson is in a movie called Snakes on a Plane. It is a gripping action drama about... uhhh... well, snakes on a plane, I guess.

You see, this troubles me, because I would like to finally start working on my acting career, but my ideal movie has already been made. I mean, this is the kind of clausterphobic suspence thriller I was made for! I can see it now...


ADAM Pulls STEWARDESS JENNY aside, in hushed tones

Okay, Jenny, no more excuses! I demand
to know what is happening on this plane!
I wasn't going to say anything until I knew for sure.
I didn't want to cause a panic!
Dammit, Jenny, passengers are dropping like flies!
If you know something, you've got to tell me!
JENNY collapses into ADAM's arms, sobbing.
Adam... There are snakes on this plane!
For a moment, ADAM stares at her in disbelief.
Oh... my... GOD!
After that, basically, I would start gathering up weapons (improvising a grenade out of a warm Coke cans, stuff like that), organizing passengers in to strike teams, and, of course, having a passionate (but tasteful) love scene with Jenny, who would be played by either Natalie Portman or Thora Birch.
Hollywood has gone to shit, my fellow blogmates. All we can do now is hope to God that they don't talk Bruce Willis and Larry Fishburn into doing Carnivorous Tree Frogs on a Yacht!
This brings me to...
Top 10 ways to kill Snakes on a Plane
10. Trick them into jumping out of plane, saying, "Parachutes? Hell, only pussies need parachutes! You aren't a bunch of pussy snakes, are you?"
9. Force them to sit through Con Air
8. Poison their martinis
7. Telepathically scan their brains until they explode
6. Tell Michael Chickless they called him a 2nd rate hack actor.
5. Sneak up behind them in the dark and yell, "BOO!" (May only work on elderly snakes with weak hearts)
4. Take off your loafers, and waft the smell at them
3. Open a window and throw them into the jet intake
2. Get them fighting amongst themselves
1. Pick up Wil Wheaton by the ankles, and beat them to death with him
"Snakes... why did it have to be snakes?"
-- Indiana Jones


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