Wednesday, April 19, 2006


My friends know me as the most vehement critic and fan of Star Trek in our little circle. Ever since the premire of Deep Space Nine, I have been emphatic in my opinion that they should have taken a five to ten year break between spinoffs to keep the fans from getting oversaturated and bored. During the DS9 period, I felt that TNG, DS9 and Voyager suffered because the writers and the production team were spread too thin. Also, Voyager and Enterprise were both just variations on the TOS/TNG formula. That wouldn't have been so bad if:
A) The shows had not been aired back-to-back
B) If Rick Berman had been fired in 1990

That being said, I am sad at the prospect of no new Star Trek series in the future. I was always hoping they might do a series with a much more comedic bent.

If they were to do such a series, this is what I would like see...




Captain: David Ramsey (E. Adam Thomas)
1st Officer: Cmdr Tuvok (Tim Russ)
Chief Medical Officer: Dr. Alyssa Ogawa (Patti Yasutake)
Engineering Officer: Lt. Cmdr Robin Lefler (Ashley Judd)
2nd Ofcr/Helmsman: Lt. Jenyse Guyvers
Counselor: Lt Cmdr Joshua Lang
Security: Lt Harry Kim (Garrett Wang)
Navigator: Ens. Molly O’Brien


Premise: More of an action comedy series focusing on a Valiant Class ship (Like the Defiant in DS9) commanded by David Ramsey, age 43, a former agent for Section 31, and a cyborg. As an ensign, he was horribly disfigured during the battle of Wolf 359, losing both legs, both arms and the vision in one eye. A medical officer for S31 who had been adapting Dr. Noonian Soong’s research in medical positronics decided to take David in as a test case.
Now, he’s basically a 24th Century Six Million Dollar Man.
Ramsey looks a bit “Picardish,” but is a quite a wise-ass and a cynic. He’s also a fount of old pop-culture trivia from the early 20th to the late 23rd century. This peppers into his wisecracks with occasionally confusing results, which he often shakes off with self-annoyance. He’s got a good sense of humor, and could be quite the lady killer, if it weren’t for the fact that he doesn’t think he has anything to offer women, so he doesn’t bother trying.

Tuvok is the first officer. Plan on a few nods to the Kirk/Spock relationship. His character is already pretty well established, and it should be made apparent he’s served with Ramsey for a while, now.

Ensign O’Brien, Miles and Keiko’s Daughter, is extraordinarily intelligent, and socially inept. She’s also 19 years old and drop-dead gorgeous. She’s got a crush on Counselor Josh Lang.

Jenyse Guyvers has a crush on the captain, unaware that he was responsible for her father’s death 10 years ago. She’s incredibly intelligent and capable, with, as the Talosians might say, “Unusually strong female drives.”

Doctor Ogawa (Previously Dr. Crusher’s chief nurse on the Enterprise) is a warm, friendly sort, but has a bit of the McCoy temperament when she feels that the Captain is being too hard on himself or a crewman. She’s always on his case to keep his cybernetic prosthesis adjusted and tuned. He has a tendency to put it off, leading to accidental tricorder crushings and things like that. She has a close friendship with Molly O’Brien.

Harry Kim is more mature now, and takes his security detail very seriously. Off duty, though, he’s a practical joker, even going so far as to replicate android tribbles from time to time, putting them on any seat the captain is liable to inhabit. On the captain’s birthday, he convinces the crew to dress up in mirror-universe garb and trick the captain into thinking he woke up in the mirror universe. He’s very fond of Robin Lefler, but in a stunning repeat of history, is reluctant to actually approach her.

Josh Lang is a young, freshly graduated student of psychology. He is very insightful and empathetic person by nature. He’s also a mixed bag of intellect and hormones. At 28 years old, he has never really dated before, and now is kind of having trouble at times remaining focused when counseling female crew members. His main targets are Lefler and Guyvers.

Robin Lefler is one of Starfleet’s most brilliant engineers. She’s picked up a lot since she served on the Enterprise, and is quite inventive when it comes to thinking of impossible ways to save the day at the last minute. She’s also very athletic and competitive. She’s constantly beating Harry and Josh at everything from handball to Kh’Toghh, a Klingon version of dodge ball.


The Hesperus is a 20 year old Defiant class vessel (see the Defiant from DS9) with a somewhat chequered history. It’s first captain was a Maquis sympathizer who commandeered the ship at one point and used it to attack the Cardassians. Her second captain, Jason Horvath, was an opportunist, who would try to make a profit on the side sneaking black market goods out of Gorn and Tholian space. Ramsey is her third commanding officer, and despite his noble service record, he’s regarded as untrustworthy by his commanding officer, Admiral Stuart Dickson, because of his previous position as an operative for Section 31. The ship’s systems are in need of upgrade, but Dickson is reluctant to allow Ramsey to have the ship refit, out of spite. Ramsey dislikes Dickson in turn, often referring to him as Admiral Dickhead, Dimsum and Dingleberry, among other affectionate pseudonyms. Ramsey’s one ace in the hole is that Jean Luc Picard, still captain of the Enterprise, does hold Ramsey in high esteem, and is willing to go to bat for him if Dickson’s asinine vendetta gets too far out of hand.

Picard had Q, Sisko had Gul Dukat, and Janeway had the Borg queen. Ramsey’s chief nemesis is the Hesperus’s former CO, Jason Horvath, who has turned renegade, and somehow gotten his hands on an old Constitution class vessel, the U.S.S. Bonhomme Richard. He’s stolen a Romulan cloaking device, and has Jem Hadar, Klingon and Borg weaponry added to the already upgraded phaser and photon torpedo systems. He acts more like a gun for hire, using his souped-up starship to perform raids and attacks on anyone’s enemies if the price is right, including Starfleet vessels. He has a special grudge against Ramsey, who had been serving as the first officer aboard the U.S.S. Potemkin, the ship that finally busted Horvath and had him court marshaled. Ramsey had been the main investigator, and testified against Horvath in the trial, offering the most damning evidence during the proceedings. As an extra twist of irony, the Bonhomme Richard was also the starship that Ramsey’s grandfather, Jack Ramsey, commanded during Kirk’s era, a fact Horvath takes twisted delight in rubbing in David’s face, despite the fact that David really doesn’t give a shit.

Episode ideas:

To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Naked Now, Before
Stardate 60121.2: The Hesperus is just being launched out of repairs at Starbase 417-A after a harrowing encounter with the Breen. Captain Ramsey is exhausted and stressed out, and more than a little remorseful after losing a third of his bridge crew in the battle. New assignees to the ship include Lefler as the chief engineer, Guyvers as their new helmsman, and Molly O’Brien, fresh out of the academy, as their new navigation officer. Their first mission is to investigate a distress call from the U.S.S. Hodgeson, a research vessel that was analyzing a moon around Ketterus Prime whose orbit was inexplicably decaying. The crew are all dead, except for one officer, Lt. Nelson, and two maintinence robots. Nelson is found in one of the observation lounges with the two robots, watching “Manos: The Hands of Fate.”
The crew has succumbed to the same kind of affliction that hit two of the Enterprises, and it appears to be affecting the Hesperus crew as well. With Tuvok and Ramsey being the only ones left unaffected, they’re about ready to abandon ship and go for help when it is discovered that this is the first in a long line of infamous Harry Kim practical jokes. The transporter biofilters had successfully screened out any contaminants this time, and everyone has a good laugh. Nelson is welcomed aboard the Hesperus on the condition that he obtain copies of “The Brain That Wouldn’t Die” and “Gamera Vs. Zigra” for the captain.

There Is No “Arrrrr” in Team
Stardate 60133.6: The Hesperus’s first encounter with Captain Horvath occurs when they are sent to investigate an attack on a Klingon warship by an “unidentified antique vessel.” David is in the thick of it between a vengeful Klingon captain who accuses the Federation of staging this attack as a prelude to war, and Horvath, whose penchant for piracy has become notorious. He even has an eye patch, despite having perfect vision in both eyes. Horvath was “hired” by the Klingon’s wife, who believes him to be adulterous.
Meanwhile, a rivalry begins between Harry and Josh over the seemingly unattainable affections of Lt Cmdr Lefler, who is far more interested in humiliating both of them on the Handball court.

Obligatory Haywire Holodeck Episode #1
Stardate 60168.4: David’s secret fascination with hot rods and all things 1950’s gets him, Tuvok and Guyvers in deep trouble when an ion storm causes their “American Graffitti” program to cross circuits with Lt. Nelson’s collection of bad 1950’s monster movies. Includes parodies of “This Island Earth,” “Godzilla Raids Again,” “The Blob” and the 1973 Six Million Dollar Man episode, “Day of the Robot,” which Nelson had apparently mistook for an old Leslie Nielson movie.
The ion storm is playing havoc with other systems as well. Photon torpedoes keep randomly firing at passing space crud, the ship’s computer starts responding in a thick Southern accent, and the only thing the replicators are dispensing are triple cheeseburgers and banana bundt cake.Lefler and Kim get stranded in a turbo lift, and Kim keeps having romantic fantasies about Lefler, making the situation very awkward for him.
Well, Sirs, What do you think?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


Attention all personell: Sneak Peek at clips from the new Ren & Stimpy Lost Episodes DVD!
Also, tonight's feature is "Bride of Godzilla Vs. The Son Of Kong." This feature is rated BYOI: Bring your own Ipecac!
That is all.